We’ve been asked often lately if my body is doing better since moving to Tennessee two months ago.

I fumble to find an answer.

It’s no and it’s yes. 

Recovering from years of pestilence and treatment, paired with dysautonomia, never lends to a solid answer.  It’s unruly and unpredictable day to day.  What was true one day is different the next, there’s no quick cure-all, and sometimes when everything adds up to what should equal forward motion, you find yourself going backwards in order to eventually go further forwards. If you’ve ever had chronic illness, you know this all too well.

If you were to put a magnifying glass to our week you might be surprised at what a day in the life entails in order to cultivate our version of normalcy. I’m learning more and more the wisdom of acceptance and swimming in our own tide free of the guilt of catching up to another’s. It’s a liberating sway, and a challenging concept for me.

Some days feel light and hopeful, and other days are straight up upsetting and physically crushing in a way I can’t even explain.

So I don’t have a very clear answer to the “are you better” question….

but here’s what we know…

—Nothing is black and white…there are a thousand variables at all times and we have thought about, researched, and tested approximately 900 of them, and are working with wonderful doctors to navigate the others.

—There’s a bit more testing that I’m undergoing, and then we’ll be able to settle into solely focusing on acceptance, management, and realignment of POTS.

—We’ve gotten a lot of confirmation that we’re in the right place for my body and helping it navigate upwards.

—We LOVE it here. Stephen and I have lived in and visited quite a few different places in our five and a half years of marriage, and we both feel this deep sense that we’re home in Tennessee.

—Lately our go-to therapy is nature and when my body gets stuck in rapid misfires we spend lots of time at the lake and soaking up the lush trees. It brings a deep freedom and expansion that the body can’t help but follow.  

—We’re really exhausted, and I cry… a lot, but we also have a lot of joy, and then we take the next best step. Sometimes it’s do-able, and sometimes it’s like asking a steam rolled sloth to run a marathon….if you know…you know.

—We aren’t sure what “summit” of healing I’ll reach, what symptoms will stay with me, what will leave, or what new will come, but we feel confident that the chess pieces are in place for my body to reach new heights, we just don’t know exactly how high that will be.

—We’re constantly being refined with greater perseverance, knowledge, and acceptance.

—I definitely haven’t experienced the relief I’d hoped for, and many days feel even more smothered by disfunction, but I know that sometimes it gets a little darker before the light breaks through. And until we see the full story, we know that the Lord is our greatest counsel, that I’ve been empowered with rich knowledge and study that allows me to take really good care of my body, and that we have wonderful physicians standing in our corner with us.

—Our heart’s desire is that we’ll be honest about the trenches, while never offering our attention to hopelessness, because we all face unique giants of our own.

—We have hope for tomorrow and grace for today because we live in the realm of the miracle and through a long hard fight my body has proven relentless in the chronic healing of so many previous symptoms and dysfunctions.

—We know that weakness and strength can coexist, and that healing and brokenness don’t have to be opposites.

...So the answers is yes, and no. And we humbly say amen to both.

This is our daily prayer,

And as so many of you stand beside us in prayer, we’d love for you to partner with us in these…

That our hands stay open,

That our hearts stay free,

That we have stamina for whatever each day holds,

That we shamelessly and relentlessly stand in our own tide,

That we stay present to pain and beauty as it entangles into it’s own wholeness,

That we become ever more aligned with the Creator in the mysterious work of his desire for our likeness to his,

That we find every ounce of knowledge and wisdom that is available through research, doctors, and intuition in order to help my body reach whatever heights it’s capable of,

And that through it all, we tether ourselves to the lifeline of love and wonder, ever becoming image bearers of Light.

Someone once prophesied over me that they saw me in a vision as a willow tree, bending and swaying with the wind but never breaking in the storm, housing sorrow and joy together in a relentless hope that provides shelter. And that continues to be my prayer and my surrender. - All of my love, Christina